EP 2417 - Funny Ashley Madison Messages that Flop

Why Your Opening Messages on Ashley Madison Fail

Summary: In this episode of The Teresa Pod, host Teresa Conway dives into why certain types of opening messages on Ashley Madison don’t get replies. Teresa shares real messages she’s received, from sexualized ones to cliche openers, and explains why they fall flat. She also highlights the importance of following through with creative approaches, using a haiku promise that was never delivered as a prime example of a missed opportunity.

Key Highlights:

• Sexualized messages and why they are an immediate fail.
  • Example: "What are your fantasies? My fantasy is tying you to the bed..."
  • Teresa’s response: "My fantasy is not being tied to the bed."
• Why cliche or shallow messages won’t get replies.
  • Example: "I got lots of money to take care of you."
  • Teresa’s response: "Nope."
• When creative messages work but fail due to lack of follow-through.
  • Example: "Something simple…a haiku?"
  • Teresa’s response: "And there, you had me all excited. No haiku, no sex."

Key Takeaways:

• Be thoughtful and avoid sexualizing the first interaction.
• Don’t rely on shallow claims like wealth or looks to impress.
• Follow through on unique or creative approaches; otherwise, it’s a missed opportunity.

Quotable Moment: "You're writing checks with your mouth that your ass can't cash."

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Transcript

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Hi, and welcome to the Teresa Pod. I'm your host, Teresa Conway,

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and I am so glad you could join me.

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Today we're going to talk about why certain types of opening messages on Ashley

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Madison just don't work, and why.

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As I'm sure that you've wondered why, sometimes your messages don't have replies.

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So, I'm going to give you some examples of ones that I receive,

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and explain why they flop. up.

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We're going to start with the sort of sexualized messages, which I hope you

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understand why they don't work.

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Then other types of file. And then finally, ones that just sort of fizzle out

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because you missed the element of what you were trying to do.

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So it should be obvious why sexualized messages fit. So here's one I got. Hi, my name is Joe.

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I've changed his name, but he did say his name, which I don't mind.

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What are your fantasies? We are all on the site to get extra attention,

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and we are not partly getting.

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I am very easygoing and open-minded person.

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My fantasy is tying you to the bed.

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You know, my fantasy is not being tied to the bed.

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So why doesn't that work? You know, we don't know each other,

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and all of a sudden being tied to a bed and he does go on to say other things

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that he's going to do to titillate me and,

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you know, I'm just not there.

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You know, that don't make me fun, but I'd rather you just say hello.

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The next one that kind of put me off was, you know, this guy,

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I thought he actually called himself Mickey Mouse.

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And he said, I got lots of money to take care of you. If you want to be my lady, that would be great.

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Okay, so what do you say? You're a rich dude?

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You want to be my sugar daddy? Or are you just like a peacock putting feathers

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out so that I look over your way and then maybe decide that we're going to build a nest together?

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I don't think so. You know what I mean? I need a lot more than money.

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I'm here not for money. And weirdly looking for something a little more genuine.

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So I get it, you know. You love your money. You love the size of your penis.

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You love how good you are.

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But, you know, let's discover that together after I find out that you're not a loser.

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Some of these guys are like, no, no response.

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Other types that don't work. You know this one, hi there.

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Interesting readout. I'm newsier like one week new. Maybe I should have winked

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before messaging, but winks get lost in the noise.

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Send me a pic, please. I need to know you have what I'm looking for.

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Like what? You know, what I... When someone asks me for my picture,

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before really they do anything else or like this, I just ask for my picture right off the fly.

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Tell me, are you my type or not?

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I'm like, all you want to do is see what my ass looks like, and if it's big

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enough for you, or too big for you.

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You know, sorry about, this is not a meat market, and I'm not a piece of meat. Show me the money.

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I just, you know, I have no idea what these guys are thinking when they ask.

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To see, to say, actually, that what they're looking for just blows me away. it.

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One old big message killing me. For a drink to check the chemistry.

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You know, I went back to him and I'm like, hey baby.

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Sorry, I went back to him and said, hey baby, can I buy you a drink?

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That isn't going to do it for you.

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You know, like cliched lines.

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You're wasting your money on sending something like that.

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You know, give me something to think about. Give me a reason to meet you for a drink.

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Not, you know, more or less like the last guy. Let's meet. I can trust you.

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And then I'll decide if I want to have sex with you or not. You know? Come on.

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Another one that just sort of flapped. Hi, lady.

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I'm also married. I'm 6'1". And I keep myself in shape. Ooh, good. You know?

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I have a shape I keep, too. Like, first off, why are you giving me stamps?

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It's all in your profile.

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So you're just repeating something that I can just see when I look at your profile. And.

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What is 6-1 doing? Like, is this like the six-pack, six-figure,

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six-geek kind of thing of the M-cells? I don't know.

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But, again, you know, yeah, there has to be physical attraction there.

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But if I think you're a douche, it won't matter what you look like.

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Right? So don't start with something douchey.

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And finally, you know, this one did work.

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At first it worked. it. And it was kind of interesting, and it was like,

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Hi, my name is Joe, not his real name.

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Interested in chatting sometime? Something simple? A haiku? Or perhaps you're into limericks?

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So I didn't go back, and I just wrote haiku. You know, I wanted to test this

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guy out and see what he was going to do for me, you know?

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You know, when someone offers to write you a haiku, which is 17 syllables of

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something interesting, you know, like if you can pull that off and you can do

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it, and, you know, maybe I will meet you for a drink.

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We did a couple of days. He never came back. So you know what I said, dude?

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I wrote. And there, you had me all excited.

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Finally, something different, I thought. But no, not at all. No haiku.

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No sex. You know, seriously, if you're going to get out there and you're going

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to offer someone a haiku or a limerick, you better have a haiku or a limerick to come back with.

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When she says haiku, that means send her a haiku.

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Like seriously, this guy opened the door with something cute and was very close

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to, you know, moving forward.

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But he just blew it by not coming back. I mean, seriously. sleep.

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Now, maybe he found a better, maybe somebody did math for a haiku,

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but when they ask, then you offer to deliver. Like, that's just normal.

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So, for me, sexualized messages, immediate fail.

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Cliche or impersonal type messages, where you're kind of peacocking or expecting

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me to be gone by your money or your height or, you know, whatever, not gonna happen.

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You know, unique messages, all the way to work.

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So do funny ones, but with no follow-through.

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Like, you're just a dud, you know? Like, what are you doing?

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You know, you're writing checks with your mouth that you're asking in cash.

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So, you know, it's simple. I really find it simple.

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You know, be respectful, thoughtful, and follow what you put on out there.

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Or what you put out there. You know, follow that. You haiku.

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Write haiku. They're not very hard. No, thanks.

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And that's where I'll leave it. I'm Teresa Conway, and you're listening to the TeresaPod.

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As always, I'm super happy to be here.

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And just so you know, I will follow this up in the next couple of days with

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a blog post, and I have some more insights in there that will demonstrate why

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these things are important. Okay? Bye.